Welcome to the Consciousness of an Autistic Asperger’s Mystic:
Autistic Asperger, why I never liked Christmas, the holidays and birthdays.
I will explain in this article, why I never liked Christmas, the holidays, birthdays and activities of a social nature.
First when I participated in this type of activity, and this, from a very young age, I always had an inner discomfort in the background to the idea of participating. Although in my childhood I felt a certain excitement at the idea of having gifts for my birthday and Christmas, just like children of my age, this inner discomfort and this discomfort related to this type of event always been present.
As I grew older, this inner state, which I did not know how to interpret or visit in me, became more marked over time. In adolescence and adulthood, this disease has become more and more in the foreground during the holiday season, on someone’s birthday or during a social activity in connection with work for example, to the point where I stopped loving these types of events and where I no longer enjoyed taking part in them. I would like to take this opportunity to clarify that what I am describing also applies to all activities that involve socializing, whether these are of a personal or professional nature such as, for example, Easter, Mother’s Day, fathers, party Christmas at work, etc.
As an adult, this type of social activity no longer interested me, for several reasons. In adulthood, to understand myself and to make peace internally with this type of event, I therefore had to question myself in depth to understand the reasons for this discomfort because the joy that I should have experienced as the other people or the joy of receiving gifts at Christmas or on my birthday which was in the foreground during my childhood for example gave way to a complete refusal of this type of activity, because I did not feel well.
First, as I have autism Asperger’s, I am hypersensitive to everything.
So growing up with this sensitivity, I started to refuse what I felt in others and what was very present at parties and social activities. Here, for example, I often felt obliged to participate in a good number of activities such as Christmas, New Year’s Day, Easter, birthdays… as the others understood it. I felt compelled to respond to often unspoken requests which I normally would not have responded to normally, like
- Obligation to be present and to participate in this type of event out of solidarity for family and work.
- Obligation to play entertainment games (board game, card …) that I did not always like, which required 100 times more concentration because there were a lot of people, noise, distortion, d ‘inconsistency
- Social obligation to stay until a certain time (sometimes to go to bed late) before being able to leave to follow others and do like everyone else.
- Obligation to get in touch and converse with people with whom I did not always have the interest to converse and with whom I had no affinities when in normal times I prefer to be alone and have peace .
- Obligation to play a social game when it did not interest me, that is to say to get in touch, to establish conversations, to answer questions which I did not want to answer, to pretend out of politeness to have looking interested in a topic of conversation or a person, trying to look smiling, kind and ‘normal’ … but in reality it was just the opposite.
- Obligation to buy a gift during a gift exchange, which required a lot of effort and it never tempted me to give and give gifts because of this obligation.
- Obligation to greet people when arriving and leaving when in fact I did not always want to greet everyone.
Feeling obliged to participate in this type of social activity, in addition to feeling obliged to conform socially to a way of being and to relate to others, it was in reality asking me to be false and to be a slave to the system that REQUIRES rules and ways to behave and act in this type of situation. In other words, I had to be someone I was not. Use an image to look good and pretend. To inflate my personality and talk about myself what I don’t like to do when there is an obligation or a social rule. Seeming to love conversing, to love the gift I received, pretending to live a joyful life, pretending, pretending, pretending.
Seeming, because in reality, people often pretend during these events and that I am incapable of it. Most people pretend, but they don’t know they pretend, they believe they are real, but they are slaves and possessed by the different social rules and roles that dictate their way of being and d ‘to act. I was a slave and it is among other things this discomfort of being a slave that I felt in me that dictates a way of being and behaving in society and in this type of event. When you leave the frame and you do not respect the established protocol (for example, do not smile, do not converse, do not greet people …), people look at you with an odd air and wonders about you , because you no longer respect the protocol,
Very often, when I attended social activities ‘out of obligation’ they are, of a professional or personal nature, I felt bad because I felt that it was wrong and I had no real interest in socializing on subjects and with people who did not interest me, because socializing is a job for me, I talk about it in my book Autism, Reviewed And Corrected By A Man With Asperger Syndrome. I had to play a role, so work the time of this activity.
Food and the need to get out of my house were traps, because they were often the only reasons and motivations for which I agreed to participate in social events. Of course, I couldn’t just binge all night, but the food gave me the motivation I needed to get out of the house. Once my stomach is full, I admit that I found the time very long. I was impatiently waiting for the acceptable time for me to leave to arrive to leave. Understand that I did not go to this type of event to socialize with humans, but I went there to eat and go out of the house. The socialization aspect did not interest me at all, because it is dictated by the social rules that I have described to you previously and moreover, forcing me to get in touch with people and on subjects that did not interest me, it was not a pleasure for me. Today I can say that if I had been listening to my inner truth, not just my stomach and the need to get out of my house, I would not have witnessed many of these events and that would have saved me a lot of suffering in my life.
Here, I must tell you that I have stopped attending the majority of these events for the past few years and have made a declaration of presence by obligation. My stomach is no longer a trap, because I am vegan and I do not eat gluten so it is practically impossible to eat properly in social activities with this type of food. The last Christmas I spent with my family was a trigger, because I felt so bad that I decided not to go back. Since that time I have therefore stopped celebrating Christmas as a family, because I suffered internally from being obliged to attend and to pretend.
Years later, I now know here that the inner discomforts that I have always experienced during these types of social events were due to the fact that I felt this suffering and the unsaid of people. I felt their expectations. I felt that they wanted me to respond to these social rules that dictate how to behave, think or be. For example, in the New Year you have to smile, have fun and wish a happy new year. At Christmas, you have to participate in a gift exchange, you have to be present, it doesn’t matter, not only physically, because you have to participate socially, and above all, do not spoil the false happiness that people try to build during this type of event when the rest of the year, they do not work to create this happiness and most are suffering .
For my part, unfortunately, the more I felt these expectations, these unconscious requests, these rules, the more I refused them and the more I refused to participate in this type of event. I also refused Christmas because this celebration based on consumption has become superficial and far from true values. Christmas is no longer the feast of the birth of Jesus, which is very sad, because people have replaced Him with materialism. At the cost of the love of their children, many adults will go into debt to meet this Christmas where gifts are in the foreground. Christmas and many other family activities are often events where there is a form of slavery, submission and obligation linked to unspoken social rules, beliefs as well as the obligation to reunite as a family which is often dictated by family ties based on suffering and dependence. I am aware of this, because when I stopped attending many of these events, this statement allowed me to free myself from what possessed me and made me a slave in relation to social rules , obligations, the unspoken and also allowed me to break many family ties that hampered my freedom and to which I was subjected like a slave. Phew! What a liberation it was for me to make this gesture, to put on my pants as they say in good Quebecois and to be in phase with my inner truth. This simple gesture, even if it is explained and which is often a source of misunderstanding, is very liberating. In the word liberator here, I tell you that there is the word free; for me it was important to no longer feel trapped by all these rules and the people around me, so important to be free. Behind this freedom know that it hides the true joy which is a blessing from God and which has nothing comparable with the superficial and ephemeral happiness that people believe to be true happiness, but which in fact is only ‘a social mask to look good or a short-lived feeling which people confuse with true joy from God since they are still slaves of systems. I do not know for example if one day if I am going to return to celebrate Christmas in family or to attend a birthday or a social activity, but if I decide to return there it will not be by obligation and being a slave of the system,
In reality, if it were to be done again today, I would have simply liked, one day in the past years to understand more quickly the origin of my inner discomfort and thus refuse to participate in many of these events to free myself more quickly of this form of slavery and obligation so well disguised.
In other words, I would have liked to choose and not to be subjected to an imposed way of participating in social activities and of entering into relation in a way and according to a way of doing dictated by the system which did not suit me not. Whether I spend Christmas, Easter for example alone or not or in my own way, with everything I know now, it is important that I feel good during these activities, because the real gift that I would have liked to receive at Christmas is to feel good for once during a social activity. If you don’t fully understand what I’m trying to explain to you in this article, it’s okay, but I’ll tell you that it’s at the soul level that what I’m explaining to you happens, I talk about it in my book Autism, Reviewed And Corrected By A Man With Asperger Syndrome, it is a reality from which many people are unfortunately completely disconnected.
Since we are close to the Christmas party, I must tell you that I found my own way of celebrating Christmas. At Christmas, and like every day of the year, I go in my heart to meet God, Jesus and the Virgin Mary and I express to them all my love, all my gratitude and all my devotion. This is the way I feel good, so good, because by their Presences in my life, They are the most magnificent gifts that I can receive. This way, I am fulfilled because I can celebrate Christmas every day of the year.
And what about you?
Thank you for sharing the link of this article, because it can help souls to live Divinely on earth.
May God bless you and peace be with you!
Pierre-André Pelletier
The Consciousness of an Autistic Mystic
mystic-and-autistic.com
